ON LOOKING BACK…
Each year has its own set of memories, some pleasant, some depressing, some painful, some exhilarating. All unforgettable. Well, 2005has been no different in that regard, I guess. A very unforgettable year, if not anything else.
In a lot of ways, it has been a brilliant year. Academically, for instance. Hmm, so what new have I done? I've made a lot of new friends, met a lot of different people, started singing after a really long gap, spoken in front of groups for the first time, got involved in a lot more extra-curricular activities than ever before, had my first exhibition, attended my first ever western classical concert, went to the Divine Retreat Centre for the first (and only!) time, broke my personal record writing mails(!), learned to ride a Yamaha (kinda!), took on tons of responsibility and found I could actually deal with it, started blogging!, faced my fear of water and forced myself to swim in the deep end of the pool, had my first serious job, made stupid decisions, some good ones, broken my heart, put it back together, learnt to deal with depression, torn myself down, rebuilt myself, and I am all the stronger for this year. I have learnt to love and to hate. I have learnt it is ok to make mistakes and I have learnt to forgive myself for not being perfect. It has been on of the most packed years in my life and I don’t think I have ever worked harder. And for all its pain and depression, it has been worth it. I have survived. And not just survived, I have a lot to show for it.
There are a lot of things I need to set right, a lot of unfinished goals, a lot of dreams, plenty of uncertainties, fears and worries. But I also have a lot of supportive people around me, people who build me up and help me grow. And best of all, I have my God. Do I need anyone else?
Looking back after some time is, I don’t know, much more important than looking forward. Time blunts the sharpness of pain or disappointment and highlights the good times and interesting memories. There is a feeling of mellowness, I can understand things, look at them much more objectively after a while, after all the passion and emotion has drained away. There are so many things to be learnt from past experiences. Life is not always fair, in fact, it is most often not, but the key lies in learning to deal with it. Life teaches me so many little things. Looking back, although painful at times has made sure I watch my step in the second round.
This is a brand new year. I don’t know what it holds in store for me but I do know it will be eventful and memorable, perhaps more memorable than this one that is just passed. I don’t know. But I do know that I won’t be alone. I do know that I’ll have people who love me and will be there for me. And I do know that I cannot let myself break for any reason cos that is not what I am meant to do. And hopefully, I will learn to be a much better human being.
I welcomed 2006 with a prayer in my heart; a prayer that much more than I expect, I must learn to give, to love and to serve. And when I find my heart at peace, I will know that I have drawn one step nearer my goal, this goal that can never be achieved completely.