Friday, November 18, 2005

Culmination of a brilliant day. Had a blast. My cousin was staying over and we had so much fun, jammed in the evening, went for a party and got a gift. An unusually good day. Should have known it was too good to last. Ended it with a royal, all out screaming fight.

I don’t think I’ve lost my temper this bad for months…

I wonder why life is so complicated for me. Everyone understands life or think they do. I envy those who think they do. At least they’ve got it all figured out. Sometimes I don’t think I have a life. I just exist. Its so pointless. Nothing I do makes a difference. All I seem to do is mess up things worse than they were before. My awful temper. I thought I’d managed to get a grip on it. I say things I don’t mean, things that hurt and then in a little while, my temper’s gone but the damage is done. I feel horrible, but what’s the point? I try very hard to make amends even when the other person provoked the loss of temper. Well, words can never be taken back. How do I deal with someone who tells me they won’t be friends anymore? Who says I don’t know them at all and its better we don’t talk anymore. What does one do when apologizing doesn’t help? When the other person is so objectively cool? How can I deal with someone telling me they don’t care anymore what happens to me? I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore.

Worst part was that it wasn’t even my fault. When someone does something that hurts u and u ask them about it, u don’t expect them to tell u it’s not a big deal, so what if I did? U don’t expect the person to yell at u and u don’t expect to find u trying to defend yourself. I shocked myself with my anger, I think. Well, its over. I've said I'm sorry. I don’t think I can do anything else. I don’t want to do anything else. The fact still remains that I’m miserable and that I hate me.

Please don’t comment on this entry.

4 comments:

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pen at work said...

dont worry mait..i'll kill the stupid spastic leper of u want meto...

::Catch:: >me< if u can said...

People tend to lose there cool,but its nothing wrong in doing so, cuz otherwise it stays inside you and spoils your health. And later on if the stress is held up inside it becomes a nuclear temper. So be cool. You are not miserable and a person who doesnt hav a life. You are a unique creation of God. You are an awsome writer. So this should bring you up. Keep blogging.

Gangai said...

Hey u don't have to feel so miserable!!

All of us lose it some time or the other, so u ain't done anything extraordinarily bad...

Good u understand words can do a lot of damage...whoever it was u fought with probably said those things to u in reaction to your outburst I feel...give it some time and then try talking again...

No point in losing a relationship over one angry incident sister!

'Getting angry is not a sin, but staying angry is.'