CLEANLINESS IS NEXT TO IMPOSSIBLE…..

Cleaning is such a depressing word. Being one of the untidiest persons alive, putting my room straight is a huge and pretty pointless task. I do it now and then when I find that there is no more floor space to walk on or when someone is coming over. And since my cousin was coming over and needed to sleep in my room, I was forced to clean it. It took me two whole days cos I was doing it, distracted and vague individual that I am. First let me state that while my room may look like a melting pot of the world’s own rubbish, I know exactly where I can find any given thing. If u need those calligraphy nibs, they r under the bed, near my copy of the Gardner. The charcoal sticks? Look in the pile near the clothes rack. Not there, below those acrylics! What about that lump of clay? Wrapped in a damp towel and stuffed in a plastic cover under the cupboard, where else?? Well, whatever people think, my room is perfect!
I started with my bookshelf, a bad place to start. Pulled out all the books, dusted them and promptly started reading. Once I start reading, I’m stuck cos I tend to forget the time. So it took me around half a day cleaning an area a normal person would have finished in about an hour. Another thing I need to mention here is that I'm a pack rat. And that I hate throwing things away. Most of the time, I move things from one room to another, much to the frustration of the rest of the household. At this juncture of my slow and rather ineffectual tidying efforts, my sister joined me. Sangeetha’s idea of order and mine vary diametrically. For me, if I can find everything I need, that’s order enough for me. Sangeetha loves, absolutely loves throwing things away. She hates clutter as much as I thrive on it. She's like Appa that way. Appa lived 3 years in Lucknow in a three bedroom house with a bed, a sleeping bag when it got cold and a single shelf with all his clothes. He would be happiest living with a bed, 2 sets of clothes, a towel and a toothbrush. Till date, he can’t understand why amma wants anything else, he thinks the house is too crowded as it is and his greatest pleasure lies in giving or throwing things away.
Digressing as usual. Where was I? Oh yeah, Sangeetha. She started sorting thru my books and notes.
What are u doing?? Those are my notes!!
Buddhist Art?? That was your first semester paper, right? What do u want it for now?How do u know? I might need it for something.. Reference..
Bullshit, why would u? u just like junk lying about. This place is filled with rubbish!
Hey, do u know how many hours I sat in the library taking notes?? U leave them alone!
Ok, what about these loose sheets? Surely u don’t need them?
U bet I do! Those are my class notes for twentieth century! And I haven’t written that paper yet!
Oh please! This rubbish is the notes u took in class? On scraps of paper??
Well, I forgot to take a notebook, ok.
But look at them, they r just scribbles! How the hell do u make any sense out of them?
Well, they make sense to me, that’s enough. Now leave my stuff alone! Ill sort thru it myself.
Yeah, u’ll just put it all back. Right??
Ok, u can throw this away..
That’s one sheet, Sheila! That’s all you’re throwing away?
Hey, get off my back, ok!
And what about these drawing sheets. They r used..
No, I wanna use the back for practising. Put them back.
Just leave my stuff alone, ok. Ill handle it.
Pointless talk. I managed to sneak back half the stuff she threw away, she managed to throw away lots more.
It moved a lot faster after she came to ‘help’.
My room is clean now. Unrecognizably so. A neat room blanks my mind. Ideas r just not coming. My creativity got thrown out with all my junk. I cant find anything anymore. Help!!

Culmination of a brilliant day. Had a blast. My cousin was staying over and we had so much fun, jammed in the evening, went for a party and got a gift. An unusually good day. Should have known it was too good to last. Ended it with a royal, all out screaming fight.

I don’t think I’ve lost my temper this bad for months…

I wonder why life is so complicated for me. Everyone understands life or think they do. I envy those who think they do. At least they’ve got it all figured out. Sometimes I don’t think I have a life. I just exist. Its so pointless. Nothing I do makes a difference. All I seem to do is mess up things worse than they were before. My awful temper. I thought I’d managed to get a grip on it. I say things I don’t mean, things that hurt and then in a little while, my temper’s gone but the damage is done. I feel horrible, but what’s the point? I try very hard to make amends even when the other person provoked the loss of temper. Well, words can never be taken back. How do I deal with someone who tells me they won’t be friends anymore? Who says I don’t know them at all and its better we don’t talk anymore. What does one do when apologizing doesn’t help? When the other person is so objectively cool? How can I deal with someone telling me they don’t care anymore what happens to me? I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore.

Worst part was that it wasn’t even my fault. When someone does something that hurts u and u ask them about it, u don’t expect them to tell u it’s not a big deal, so what if I did? U don’t expect the person to yell at u and u don’t expect to find u trying to defend yourself. I shocked myself with my anger, I think. Well, its over. I've said I'm sorry. I don’t think I can do anything else. I don’t want to do anything else. The fact still remains that I’m miserable and that I hate me.

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Calooh! Callay!

This is not a frabjous day, the jub jub is abroad and the jabberwock prowls. My arms are heavy with the vorpal sword and my heart refuses to sing.
I kneel by the tumtum tree and wish time passes more swiftly. The sun shines but my twee thrines are lost. My head whirls and the jabberwock draws near. The vorpal sword falls by the way, the tumtum tree no longer shelters and mome raths take the spoils. The wielsy leaves and droelwy paths lead me to places I do not wish to go.
Where is my beamish boy?? The jabberwock is here! And I have nothing to defend me with.. I am lost! I am slain!

I lie in fear neither here nor there, lost between two worlds. I know not my place, nor who I am or what I am to do. I am fled from my stronghold and the path is full of pitfalls. Who will hold my hand?
Why cry out, there is no one to hear. Why scream, no one comes.
The jabberwock is here with claws that catch, with jaws that bite.

I feel myself drifting away.


And there is nothing else.